Stuck in the Past, the Fear of an Equitable Planet
It is one thing to have not had any relationship with your grandfather over the course of your life, it is another to be told: “I’m sure that you consider yourself to be educated, informed and knowledgeable,” and further, “Speaking honestly however, I find that your judgement of others and their opinions could use a little more polish.” Each quote, an attempt to cut at my negative opinion of his many racially and socially aggressive posts on Facebook. Each, an attempt to put me in my place as a young woman. Now, this article is not to accuse all older people of sharing the same beliefs represented by my grandparents. Merely to draw back the curtain on a pattern of behaviour I’ve experienced.
This man, whom I’ve met under a dozen times across my two decades of life, believes that he has any right to condescend to me. In a situation where he is morally in the wrong — there can be no justification for social harms that lead to the death of some, while others continue to be in denial or claim ignorance. As someone in a family of verrrrry very white people, we don’t suffer for anything relating to our race. But especially over the last year, with the brutal murder of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and countless other Black Americans, as well as the protests, I learned a lot. I was in no means racist before, or ignorant to issues that BIPOC/IBPOC (the term in Canada) people face, but there was and still is tons of things that I had no idea about.
While I’ve grown up in a very white middle class family, as well as attended a predominantly white school, I’ve always tried to diversify my connections and learn about the struggles that people from other cultures face. Neither I nor my grandparents have ever suffered for anything. I’ve always tried to stay educated on current events, but like many other white people, I had no inkling of any of the atrocities that were covered up. I certainly didn’t know to look for the installed generational systems that still exist today.
As a white woman it is not my place to speak over any voice from the BIPOC communities, but I do need to stand ground and amplify their voices. Performance activism only goes so far, and as someone with very strong morals and personal conviction, I had to finally say something against the toxic misinformation and accusatory/racially provocative posts that both my grandfather and grandmother were sharing consistently on Facebook. As I learned about atrocities that white people inflicted willingly on Black people, my already limited tolerance snapped. I sent several emails back and forth with both of my grandparents trying to politely and calmly explain why their Facebook posts were so terrible. They instead, victimized themselves, and spoke over the information I shared with them from BIPOC sources. A few direct quotes include:
“Are we appalled by it, of course we are but neither us nor our ancestors contributed to it. We don’t believe we should have to atone for it or suffer abuse for it because of the color of our skin. The proper way to eliminate racial discrimination is to stop using “white man, black man” and start using “man”, (or woman as the case may be).”
Yikes… This, after being told that Black is not a negative term in any way. Another quote, referencing how police are so badly treated and should be supported:
“No decent person is going to put up with abuse and lack of respect for themselves or their families day after day. Why should they? Why should their families have to suffer abuse and humiliation? Why should they go to work every day wondering if this is the day they encounter someone who decides to use them for target practice or if this is the day they don’t get to come home at all?”
After I brought this quote up with my therapist, even her blood was boiling. My grandfather doesn’t even realize the sickening irony in his own words. Of course, it’s cops that have to worry about each of these things, because of their profession. Obviously Black people wouldn’t have to worry about aaany of these things, right? Without a changeable factor even? Cops take off the uniform at the end of the day, and they don’t have to worry. I feel gross even pasting these quotes in. There are dozens of others I could add, including my grandfather’s defence of the cop who murdered George Floyd. In the form of a full wikipedia article, and a lengthy justification, but by now you get the picture.
The iron belief that he carries around is that he is somehow mistreated because he is white. That he is being forced to suffer some punishment for “stuff he didn’t participate in.” He will not recognize that empathy as a basic human emotion, regardless of whether one suffered or caused suffering, is a start to healing for those in pain. All the while, absolutely obliterating any relationship with not only his granddaughter, but his daughter, son-in-law, and grandson. He is entirely unwilling to listen to anything we have to tell him, no matter how politely we gift wrap it. He’s unwilling to change his opinions with new facts and information that is presented to him.
Reflecting on all this, I see three patterns that should concern us all. The first being the older generations entrenched stubbornness. Especially with older men, they believe that they are inherently more correct than anyone younger. That the belief system and information they carried in their youth is somehow more relevant and important than the stuff that was covered up. It is impossible that their blissful youthful ignorance could be marred in any way. They are living in fear of the emerging future, but they still have an obligation to grow and learn as new evidence presents.
Conjointly, the second pattern is the belief that young women should follow ancient societal expectations. In today’s world, I believe that most of the younger generation is significantly more aware socially. They have access to their own diverse circles, as well as the credible information the internet and other easily accessed sources can provide. Older generations still seem to rely on relatively limited information sources, including those that may not have been updated in decades, as well as their small circles of equally aged friends, who are also primarily white.
Believing that your ‘old fashioned values’ (cross your legs, women cook, men work) still hold up, is naïve, and antiquated. As is not taking advantage of the resources you have at your fingertips and doing your own research, validating for yourself the research you are given, or simply understanding and absorbing new information. Instead of perpetuating your emotional responses based on learned behaviour, creating an openness for research and data.
Thirdly, the older generation seems to have issues recognizing when they were wrong, and apologizing. My grandfather has demonstrated no desire to listen to anything his family has told him. Even when that came at the cost of losing us, he stared our deeply felt, well researched, and caring emails in the face and dug in his heels. All he had to do was ask us why we said he was in the wrong. Instead, he denied ever sharing any of the provocative posts and emails, and deleted his whole Facebook account before we could even point them out. Respect is critical to this generation. They receive respect because of their years and experience, but they also have to give respect to a more aware, educated, and socially attuned generation for there to be the convivial relationship of trust.
Not to umbrella everyone, merely to expand the ever-tessellating pattern made apparent from the unapologetic responses of those in public and political spaces who have modelled these same entrenchments.
As I stated, these points definitely don’t apply to all older people, just the loudest portion railing against truths to stay in the shroud of their denial and bubble of privilege. While my grandfather stands his ground, I’ll stand mine and continue amplifying BIPOC/IBPOC and helping where I can. Even as a young white person, I recognize that we’ve inflicted innumerable race based atrocities to others in Canada and around the world. Without ever having participated in these acts, I still put forth my apology on behalf, and I believe that whatever reparations need to be made, should be made.
I sincerely hope that openness to new information, and a willingness to explore a change in attitudes and beliefs will be embraced by all people. I believe that with perseverance and clarity in presenting the human cost and opportunities to learn from each other, the willful ignorance and selfishness displayed by some of the older white generation will pass on over time.
