My Grandmother Will Not Leave Me Alone
Setting boundaries with your family can be tough. It’s a different situation than creating them in a workplace or social environment, where you typically have either direct or unspoken cues. As challenging as it can be, it is a necessary part of becoming your own person instead of a replica of your other family members.
These boundaries become exponentially more important when dealing with relatives that you barely know, when they start demanding things of you and imposing on your life.
My grandmother, the wife of my aforementioned offensive grandfather in my article ‘Stuck in the Past, the Fear of an Equitable Planet,’ and the second pea in his problematic pod, has decided that it is her life’s mission to “heal my hurts.” I’ve met this woman a few more times than my grandfather, but rarely more than once a year, and only once every few years after I turned about eleven. My grandparents live about four hours away, and she decided that she was tired of taking the bus down. Although this was not her only option, as her husband is a trucker, who travels through our city on most of his routes (and has never once made an effort to connect on his own). This leading to the obvious conclusion that her and I don’t share any semblance of a close relationship.
After my grandfather’s nuclear behaviour over the course of last year, and his treatment of me and my family when we pointed out how his racist and socially concerning Facebook shares were not okay, it’s a miracle she receives a text back. My grandmother was not ignorant to the situation, when in actuality, she was a willing participant in it. She shared the same kind of awful posts, and time after time defended what my grandfather had said in his own posts and emails.
But, ever the victim, she tearfully choked her way through an unintelligible over the phone apology. We accepted, on the condition that her behaviour online changed. We put up with her fairly awkward texts about what she’d done that week, and she deleted her Facebook. She wasn’t sending any more emails, at least to us. She broke this streak about two weeks before Christmas, when my grandfather decided that he needed to have another last word. After going six months without speaking to us.
My family decided that we needed a break, after my grandmother sent several more emails defending my grandfather. We didn’t want to deal with this over the holidays. I decided that, for the sake of my mental health, I wasn’t going to respond to any more of her messages. Yet, she continued to send them. Weird wishes for holidays, two days after they happened. Strange anecdotes from when I was five, phrased as a “do you remember?” Referring me to watch “Celtic Thunder,” which sounds like a suspicious male dance group…
Again, this peaked with her message at the end of January,
“Good morning! This morning is a good morning! I have finally come to my senses! All this time I’ve been allowing my wounded pride to keep me from moving forward in building a good relationship with you and {my brother}. Grandpa tried to tell me but I wasn’t listening!”
This continues for a solid paragraph. I’d reached my own peak of annoyance. Further compliments towards my grandfather, who never had any involvement and who’d probably been telling her to leave us alone. Instead of getting angry, and sending something back, I laid out an email with the boundaries I felt I deserved.
I was clear, in understanding that she was trying to formulate some semblance of a relationship, but that it was too late for us to have the close bond she wishes we did. I grew up without it, and it is just awkward and uncomfortable for her to keep pretending that we were ever super close. I clarified that none of this was to hurt her feelings, but her continual mushy behaviour was genuinely making me really uncomfortable. I asked her to take a step back from that.
As for her defences of my grandfather, I told her that:
“Nobody speaks to me like that and is still involved in my life. You can chalk my behaviour up to “the pandemic” or “oh I’m young, so I’m acting out.” No. I don’t enjoy any part of being condescended to and treated like a child. I don’t need him, or you, making defences of his standpoint. You both made your opinions very clear in December.”
Two days after I sent that email, I received a text.
“Today I want to try something different. I can’t do it in actuality or in person as I would much prefer to do. Today I’m going to give you virtual hugs. I don’t want to smother you but I will send some off and on all day until all your hurts are gone. My wish is that I could do that for everyone in your house. Only then will our hurts be gone as well! (Three heart emojis)”
After reading that message, I felt not only disgusting, but violated. She had so little respect for me, a grown woman, that she would ignore how I felt about her behaviour. I bit my tongue, and sent back that I suggest she check her emails from me.
She continues:
“I promised your mom I not fret anymore about passed ills. Consequently I am only looking forward to a positive relationship with all of you. Please help! Grandpa and I are not really good with texting but we will try to make it work as your mom has a problem with telephoning. Due to the pandemic we are limited in our forward scope but we can do this with communication and a positive approach! Let’s give it our best efforts. (Smiley emoji, and two hearts)”
Not only a dismissal of my email, but a direct dig at my mother. Who’d been trying to placate my grandmother with continuing correspondence (about weather and nothingness). I again suggested that she read her emails, and disregard what other people and herself had agreed on. She sent yet another text about how upset she’s been over the state of our ‘relationship’, and how she wanted to move forward. I stood my ground. I don’t deserve this treatment, especially from someone who practically tries to leech off of my life.
I sent back, “read the email.”
She tells me, that she’s deleted it because she didn’t want to be upset.
“I had made up my mind to only move forward the night before the email came. I couldn’t deal with any more negativity at that point so I skimmed through and deleted it. I can only say one more time I am sorry for any pain we inadvertently caused you and we hope never to cause again. If this darn pandemic would just go away we could get some actual hugs. They are good for the soul! You have think about this. Try to forgive and forget the hurtful stuff and think about the good stuff. We had lots of that too and we will have more!”
Her guilt, over what she’s done. She believes that should take precedent over the wellbeing of any of her family members. It really draws out the manipulation when she puts it so plainly. Blaming the pandemic, when she ignored us years in advance. Blowing my family off at holidays every year, for my cousins. Because “Santa won’t know where to go” for them. Not once did they spend Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas, any holiday in the book, with us. But I am expected to love her unconditionally. To give her a million chances, when she royally screws it up.
I’ve told her how to fix it. All she had to do was listen, and even if she slipped up, we would’ve forgiven her. With improved behaviour. Still, she continues to see herself as the victim, and place my grandfather on the podium they both believe he deserves.
Boundaries are important, not only for well being, but for self respect. I didn’t back away from telling her how I felt, and she decided to ignore it. I told her that I would resend the email, but that I was done talking to her.
As much anger, and as much hurt as I feel at the situation, I’m proud of myself for being able to decide what I wanted and keep striving for it. I’m not hurt at her behaviour, because I never expected anything better from her, merely from the lack of opportunity to have a “good” grandmother. One who bakes cookies, and comes to your dance and piano recitals to bring you flowers. I’m proud of the independence I’ve been raised into. Where I don’t need to put up with that kind of treatment from ‘family.’
